Robin Williams "Some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of course he was Jewish. Thirty years old, single, lives with his parents -- come on. He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift -- he's Jewish. Give it up!"

Daniel Tosh "Butt sex is a lot like spinach. If you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult."

David Cross "All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what's hard. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. That's hard. That takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced."

Doug Stanhope "I don't like when minorities tell me that I can't understand racism because I'm white. I go, 'No, you can't understand racism 'cause you're not white; I hear the shit they say about you when you leave the room. They don't hold back on my account.'"

Dave Chappelle "Chivalry died when women started reading the shit in all them magazines. They got too much advice about men from other women. And they don't know what the fuck they're talking about. It says on the cover, '100 Ways to Please Your Man,' by some lady. Ain't no 100 ways. That list is four things long -- just suck his dick, play with his balls, fix him a sandwich and don't talk so much. And he'll be happy."

Natasha Leggero "Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is most afraid of being raped?"

Bill Burr "Women are constantly patting themselves on the back for how difficult their lives are and no one corrects them because they want to fuck 'em."

Bob Saget (rumored) "Did you know that two out of every three people live next to a pedophile? Not me though. I live next to two hot 12-year-olds."

Russell Peters "They kicked me out of my school and sent me to the retard school down the street. If you had anything wrong with you, you went to my school. You were in a wheelchair, you went to my school. You were on crutches, you went to my school. You were blind, you went to my school. You were deaf, you had behavior problems, you went to my school. My school had ramps all over the fucking place. It looked like Tony Hawk designed my school."

Dave Attell "Ever wrestle your dog 'til you cum?"

Jimmy Carr "I was raised Catholic. The thing that used to annoy me about church when I was little was all the standing up and sitting down and kneeling. I wish the priest could just pick a position and fuck me."

Jim Norton "One time I farted at a girl's house. I wanted to blame it on the dog, but she didn't have one; so I blamed it on the fish. She looked at me and said, 'Fish don't fart.' I replied, 'How do you know, you stupid cunt?' We laughed for an hour over that one, then we sixty-nined. While we were sixty-nining, she farted. I said, 'That darn fish again!' She said, 'The joke's over, scumbag,' and bit my balls."

Bill Hicks "You ever notice that people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. 'I believe God created me in one day.' Yeah, looks like he rushed it."

Nat Baimel "Look at the story of the Native Americans. The white man came to this land and almost starved, until the Native Americans taught them to farm corn. Then the white man murdered them and stole their land. Today, corn is overgrown in this country, and we put high-fructose corn syrup in almost everything we eat. High fructose corn syrup is the leading cause of obesity, which causes diabetes, high blood pressure and death...to the white man. Delayed revenge. Well played, Native Americans. Well played."

Louis CK "You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11 you masturbated. For me it was between the two buildings going down. I had to do it, otherwise they'd win."

Andrew Dice Clay "Mother Goose? Yeah, I fucked her."

Norm MacDonald "I went to a gay pride parade. There was an old man and an old woman with a sign that said 'We are proud of our gay son.' That's an odd thing to be proud of. It's not an achievement, like something you work all your life to be. So I found it hard to believe that there were these 60-year-old men at work who are actually bragging, 'You know, my kid, we're so proud of him. He graduated from Harvard first in his class. Now he's articling over at a law firm. And oh yeah, he loves cock! This kid can't get enough cock in his mouth; his ass. I got a picture of the boy here sucking another man's cock.'"

Sarah Silverman "I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them."

Jim Jefferies "As far as I know, the devil hasn't brought out a book. We don't know his side of the argument. If you ask me, God and the Devil are having an argument and the Devil's being the bigger fucking man. Because God is just writing shit about him, and the Devil's going, 'I'm not even gonna comment, son, if you talk about me like that.'"

Anthony Jeselnik "My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black -- that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a letdown."